Field Marshal
Elder Lister
Leo nilikuwa na date na srekwin ya huko gishagi. Mwarimu wa BoG sijui sarare ni ngiri kumi. No waas, mwanamke ni mwanamke na kiti ya dereva ni ile ile..
Asubuhi na mapema mimi ndiye huyo Southern By-Pass in my Wingroad double-cabin with a sun-roof, heated seats na intelligent wheel steering. Gari moto kuliko fire!
Ngafura bin fuu, mimi ndiye huyo Kamango Gardens, the five-star establishment in my ancestral home. But before then I passed by Kobil pale Gikambura kwa Wainana yule mwizi wa Kidero (EACC halloooooooo?) nikanunua cheap wine, Four Seasons, ya white na red, na six pack ya WhiteKAP. Nikaingiia choo nikachota Sure zooooooote box mbili. Leo ni leo, nikakaza roho, nitalala bila vumbi kwa makende. Kitaeleweka. Kwarantine itakuwa nduru na nderemo, Earthquake Ndeiya Yote!
Kufika Kamangu nikalipa mahungry wanawake hapo kwa mtaa waoshe keja (mancave) na wapige perfume hata kama ni Binti-el-Sudan. Shida walikuwa wote wawili wanataka kunipiga BJ eti mimi ni mdosi hakuna waas, fifte tuu ya kanusu kaende kakiendaga. Lakini mimi ni mwerevu - mbona nimwage olive oil kwa dogi ilhali malkia anakam?
Nikaingia Kamango Gardens like a king, ordered Njoro wa hiyo konteina ya kwanza aweke kuku choma na isikauke sana. Mrembo asing'oke meno. Njoro akasmile mpaka nikaona wisdom tooth ya brown kama his incisors. "No muthee umuthi ni ukuruta kindu manni, nitakujenga!" No waas mtu wangu, leo ni leo. Choma tuu ikuwe succulent kama matiti ya @mawa .................eeeeeeh, huyo!
Kukaa kidogo ndiye huyu mrembo wa Rironi. Fine ass bitch man. Tumejuana kiasi, kaa miezi nne hivi, ni singo matha ( all young women are in sentro apparently, Wafula manenoz huko kwa majani) na anakaa na wazazi. Kidogo kidogo stories, tukasosi, ikafika 4.50pm. Daaaaammmmmmmmmmmn, curfew ndiyo hii, am gonna have me some fun tonight guys, hata kama ni kuguza tuu (thank your god youngins, ferking thank your god, blue moons are rare. As are hard-ons at 70!).
"By the way beib, utanidrop back Limuru? Sori si kukwambia, lakini I have to go home back home today. Wazazi. Something to do with my domestic situation".
Bitch please! You have just eaten kuku choma ya 1200/= na Del Monte ya 450/=. Kwa gari kuko wine yako ya 2500 na condoms za Sure, zile za serikali. Petroli nimepiga gari kutoka kwa ile jaruo hainanga akili mpaka hapa. Keja mancave imeoshwa nimelipa mateja 700/= na nikaturn down maBJs za finje. Damage saa hii nikama 6,000/= na unasema nikupeleke Limuru iindelee kupanda? Kae wi na ngoma wee brarefakin?
But I said it all inside. Sikusema kitu. Nikasmile. "It's OK mamie. Family always comes first. No way I would like you to cross with your mum and dad. Nawakikufukuza?"
And that's how, 50 minutes to Curfew, I dropped her in Limuru, and drove all the way back to my mancave in Ndeiya, where I am now.
A few minutes ago she Whatsapped me and told me a weird story. She had to rush back home because she had to go and breastfeed her son. Her matha insists on it, she told me, otherwise out ni njaa, outside ni outside, off you go. She will be chased away. At 29.
Crazy thing is, her son is two years and five months. An age where his balls are starting to ripen.
So this bitch is breast-feeding a dude who's got like a full set of teeth and then some. What the ferking ferkery is that in Ferkistan? Could it be, like it happens in about 30% of cases, she gets sexually aroused by breastfeeding and can't stop? WHO THE FERK breast-feeds an almost 3-year old? And who declines nice aged dick like mine to go breast-feed a brat who's obviously more stupid than me? WHO?
And then I remembered something.
When we were at the restaurant, kunguru wengi came and perched near where we were. I took a lot of pictures, to put here later like we always do. Kumbe it was an omen - the old adage, kunguru hafugiki, hata ukimnunuli kuku na guarana. Ata-breast feed a 3-year old bastard, lakini wewe utanyimwa hata snog kama umenunua wine na choma.
You never stop learning boys, you never stop learning. Leo nimepatikana.
Saving grace is, I left with the cheap wine. Sasa niko kwa chupa ya pili. Mpaka I drop.
Lakini nimecheswo. BREAST-FEEDING A THREE-YEAR OLD? Who does that? Ferk you Natasha!
PS: ALL PICTURES PERTAINING TO THIS STORY WILL BE UPLOADED WHEN THE RELEVANT CABLE BETWEEN PHONE AND LAPTOP BECOMES AVAILABLE. IT will not be an ad for Kamango Gardens, but if you use that road, stop by.
Asubuhi na mapema mimi ndiye huyo Southern By-Pass in my Wingroad double-cabin with a sun-roof, heated seats na intelligent wheel steering. Gari moto kuliko fire!
Ngafura bin fuu, mimi ndiye huyo Kamango Gardens, the five-star establishment in my ancestral home. But before then I passed by Kobil pale Gikambura kwa Wainana yule mwizi wa Kidero (EACC halloooooooo?) nikanunua cheap wine, Four Seasons, ya white na red, na six pack ya WhiteKAP. Nikaingiia choo nikachota Sure zooooooote box mbili. Leo ni leo, nikakaza roho, nitalala bila vumbi kwa makende. Kitaeleweka. Kwarantine itakuwa nduru na nderemo, Earthquake Ndeiya Yote!
Kufika Kamangu nikalipa mahungry wanawake hapo kwa mtaa waoshe keja (mancave) na wapige perfume hata kama ni Binti-el-Sudan. Shida walikuwa wote wawili wanataka kunipiga BJ eti mimi ni mdosi hakuna waas, fifte tuu ya kanusu kaende kakiendaga. Lakini mimi ni mwerevu - mbona nimwage olive oil kwa dogi ilhali malkia anakam?
Nikaingia Kamango Gardens like a king, ordered Njoro wa hiyo konteina ya kwanza aweke kuku choma na isikauke sana. Mrembo asing'oke meno. Njoro akasmile mpaka nikaona wisdom tooth ya brown kama his incisors. "No muthee umuthi ni ukuruta kindu manni, nitakujenga!" No waas mtu wangu, leo ni leo. Choma tuu ikuwe succulent kama matiti ya @mawa .................eeeeeeh, huyo!
Kukaa kidogo ndiye huyu mrembo wa Rironi. Fine ass bitch man. Tumejuana kiasi, kaa miezi nne hivi, ni singo matha ( all young women are in sentro apparently, Wafula manenoz huko kwa majani) na anakaa na wazazi. Kidogo kidogo stories, tukasosi, ikafika 4.50pm. Daaaaammmmmmmmmmmn, curfew ndiyo hii, am gonna have me some fun tonight guys, hata kama ni kuguza tuu (thank your god youngins, ferking thank your god, blue moons are rare. As are hard-ons at 70!).
"By the way beib, utanidrop back Limuru? Sori si kukwambia, lakini I have to go home back home today. Wazazi. Something to do with my domestic situation".
Bitch please! You have just eaten kuku choma ya 1200/= na Del Monte ya 450/=. Kwa gari kuko wine yako ya 2500 na condoms za Sure, zile za serikali. Petroli nimepiga gari kutoka kwa ile jaruo hainanga akili mpaka hapa. Keja mancave imeoshwa nimelipa mateja 700/= na nikaturn down maBJs za finje. Damage saa hii nikama 6,000/= na unasema nikupeleke Limuru iindelee kupanda? Kae wi na ngoma wee brarefakin?
But I said it all inside. Sikusema kitu. Nikasmile. "It's OK mamie. Family always comes first. No way I would like you to cross with your mum and dad. Nawakikufukuza?"
And that's how, 50 minutes to Curfew, I dropped her in Limuru, and drove all the way back to my mancave in Ndeiya, where I am now.
A few minutes ago she Whatsapped me and told me a weird story. She had to rush back home because she had to go and breastfeed her son. Her matha insists on it, she told me, otherwise out ni njaa, outside ni outside, off you go. She will be chased away. At 29.
Crazy thing is, her son is two years and five months. An age where his balls are starting to ripen.
So this bitch is breast-feeding a dude who's got like a full set of teeth and then some. What the ferking ferkery is that in Ferkistan? Could it be, like it happens in about 30% of cases, she gets sexually aroused by breastfeeding and can't stop? WHO THE FERK breast-feeds an almost 3-year old? And who declines nice aged dick like mine to go breast-feed a brat who's obviously more stupid than me? WHO?
And then I remembered something.
When we were at the restaurant, kunguru wengi came and perched near where we were. I took a lot of pictures, to put here later like we always do. Kumbe it was an omen - the old adage, kunguru hafugiki, hata ukimnunuli kuku na guarana. Ata-breast feed a 3-year old bastard, lakini wewe utanyimwa hata snog kama umenunua wine na choma.
You never stop learning boys, you never stop learning. Leo nimepatikana.
Saving grace is, I left with the cheap wine. Sasa niko kwa chupa ya pili. Mpaka I drop.
Lakini nimecheswo. BREAST-FEEDING A THREE-YEAR OLD? Who does that? Ferk you Natasha!
PS: ALL PICTURES PERTAINING TO THIS STORY WILL BE UPLOADED WHEN THE RELEVANT CABLE BETWEEN PHONE AND LAPTOP BECOMES AVAILABLE. IT will not be an ad for Kamango Gardens, but if you use that road, stop by.
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