Pseudonyms
Elder Lister
Kissing Gathecha's Ass aka BBI
(Originally "Kissing Hank's Ass)
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John:"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary:"Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Gathecha's ass with us."
Me:"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Gathecha, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John:"If you kiss Gathecha's ass, He'll give you a million shillings; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John:"Gathecha is a billionaire philanthropist. Gathecha built this town. Gathecha owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million shillings, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me:"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary:"Who are you to question Gathecha's gift? Don't you want a million shillings? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John:"Then come kiss Gathecha's ass with us."
Me:"Do you kiss Gathecha's ass often?"
Mary:"Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:"And has He given you a million shillings?"
John:"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:"So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary:"You can't leave until Gathecha tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me:"Do you know anyone who kissed Gathecha's ass, left town, and got the million shillings?"
John:"My mother kissed Gathecha's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:"Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John:"Of course not, Gathecha doesn't allow it."
Me:"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary:"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small Cheza-na-lotto, maybe you'll just find a sh.200 note on the street."
Me:"What's that got to do with Gathecha?"
John:"Hank has certain 'connections'"
Me:"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John:"But it's a million shillings, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Gathecha's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:"Maybe if I could see Gathecha, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary:"No one sees Gathecha, no one talks to Gathecha."
Me:"Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John:"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Baba's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:"Who's Baba?"
Mary:"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Gathecha's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Gathecha, that Gathecha wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Gathecha would reward you?"
John:"Oh no! Baba has a letter he got from Gathecha years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Baba
Mary:"Gathecha didn't have any paper."
Me:"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Baba's handwriting."
John:"Of course, Gathecha dictated it."
Me:"I thought you said no one gets to see Gathecha?"
Mary:"Not now, but years ago He would shake hands with some people."
Me:"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary:"It's what Gathecha wants, and Gathecha's always right."
Me:"How do you figure that?"
Mary:"Item 7 says 'Everything Gathecha says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me:"Maybe your friend Baba just made the whole thing up."
John:"No way! Item 5 says 'Gathecha dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the latrine.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green mokimo,' which is just plain wrong."
John:"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green mokimo."
Me:"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it mokimo."
John:"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Gathecha is always right!"
Me:"We do?"
Mary:"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me:"You're saying Gathecha's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Gathecha dictated it, and we know that Gathecha dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Gathecha's right because He says He's right'."
John:"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Gathecha's way of thinking."
Me:"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with smokies?"
Mary blushed.
John:"smokies, in mandazis, no kachumbari. It's Gathecha's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me:"What if I don't have a mandazi?"
John:"No mandazi, no mandazi. A smokie without a mandazi is wrong."
Me:"No tomato sauce? No chilli?"
Mary looked positively stricken.
John:He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:"So a big pile of salad with some smokies chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary:Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John:"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:"It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary put the back of her hand to her forehead, gasped, and fainted. John caught her with a smooth, practiced motion.
John:"Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Gathecha kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing! I'll kiss Gathecha's ass for you, you mandazi-less smokie-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
(Originally "Kissing Hank's Ass)
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John:"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary:"Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Gathecha's ass with us."
Me:"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Gathecha, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John:"If you kiss Gathecha's ass, He'll give you a million shillings; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John:"Gathecha is a billionaire philanthropist. Gathecha built this town. Gathecha owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million shillings, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me:"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary:"Who are you to question Gathecha's gift? Don't you want a million shillings? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John:"Then come kiss Gathecha's ass with us."
Me:"Do you kiss Gathecha's ass often?"
Mary:"Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:"And has He given you a million shillings?"
John:"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:"So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary:"You can't leave until Gathecha tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me:"Do you know anyone who kissed Gathecha's ass, left town, and got the million shillings?"
John:"My mother kissed Gathecha's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:"Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John:"Of course not, Gathecha doesn't allow it."
Me:"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary:"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small Cheza-na-lotto, maybe you'll just find a sh.200 note on the street."
Me:"What's that got to do with Gathecha?"
John:"Hank has certain 'connections'"
Me:"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John:"But it's a million shillings, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Gathecha's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:"Maybe if I could see Gathecha, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary:"No one sees Gathecha, no one talks to Gathecha."
Me:"Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John:"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Baba's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:"Who's Baba?"
Mary:"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Gathecha's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Gathecha, that Gathecha wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Gathecha would reward you?"
John:"Oh no! Baba has a letter he got from Gathecha years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Baba
- Kiss Gathecha's ass and He'll give you a million shillings when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list Himself.
- The moon is made of green mokimo.
- Everything Gathecha says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the latrine.
- Don't use alcohol.
- Eat your smokies on mandazis, no kachumbari.
- Kiss Gathecha's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Mary:"Gathecha didn't have any paper."
Me:"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Baba's handwriting."
John:"Of course, Gathecha dictated it."
Me:"I thought you said no one gets to see Gathecha?"
Mary:"Not now, but years ago He would shake hands with some people."
Me:"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary:"It's what Gathecha wants, and Gathecha's always right."
Me:"How do you figure that?"
Mary:"Item 7 says 'Everything Gathecha says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me:"Maybe your friend Baba just made the whole thing up."
John:"No way! Item 5 says 'Gathecha dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the latrine.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green mokimo,' which is just plain wrong."
John:"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green mokimo."
Me:"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it mokimo."
John:"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Gathecha is always right!"
Me:"We do?"
Mary:"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me:"You're saying Gathecha's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Gathecha dictated it, and we know that Gathecha dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Gathecha's right because He says He's right'."
John:"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Gathecha's way of thinking."
Me:"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with smokies?"
Mary blushed.
John:"smokies, in mandazis, no kachumbari. It's Gathecha's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me:"What if I don't have a mandazi?"
John:"No mandazi, no mandazi. A smokie without a mandazi is wrong."
Me:"No tomato sauce? No chilli?"
Mary looked positively stricken.
John:He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:"So a big pile of salad with some smokies chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary:Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John:"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:"It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary put the back of her hand to her forehead, gasped, and fainted. John caught her with a smooth, practiced motion.
John:"Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Gathecha kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing! I'll kiss Gathecha's ass for you, you mandazi-less smokie-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.