Tindi Seje Nuru
New Lister
Fiji is the capital of the universe when it comes to beauty and grace. It’s no surprise you’ll have to travel halfway round the world to behold its splendour and touch base with its peak experiences. Their men are tall, hunk, macho and chubby with skin so smooth like the bottom of a baby; their girls are simply organic and therapeutic, besides being optically nutritious! Oh, hail the Malanesian blondes!
This tinny pacific island nation is the home of fine rugby.Their gorgeously gigantic lover-boys are said to speed off their mothers’ wombs with rugby balls on their hands in the maternity wards.
Their National Alcohol, respectfully known as Kava, is exceedingly strong and merciless; it’s linked to their ancestral past. You sip it with a frown then it hits your system causing temporal paralysis. You then sit helpless like you’ve been slapped by an elephant. Their National Dress for men is an elegant skirt called Sulu. I imagine a drunken Dinka man squatting, intoxicated by Kava while wearing Sulu, what an adult site! Can make a Ugandan lady swallow a huge painful lump of saliva!
Their beaches are seductively virgin. Fringed by spectacular coral reefs and surrounded by atolls and hundreds of tinny romantic islands, Fiji sits in the Pacific Ring of Fire; it’s therefore possible that you’ll accidentally commonly fall to the ground with any of your crush due to earth tremors that are assured five times a day. They take Hurricanes, Tornadoes and Tsunamis as we do Masaais selling local herbs in Kenyan towns. It doesn’t move them an inch.
But Africa has to step up Its PR in Viti Levu, just like it should in Samoa, Vanuatu, Solomon Islands, and other Pacific Island Nations. The Africa they know of, they met in the obsolete Nigerian movies and Paranoid CNN of 1900; plagued with Juju, poverty and diseases. So my half-Indian half Fiji colleagues sympathetically asked me weather there are aeroplanes in the African skies, they worriedly wondered how I travelled to Suva from Nairobi. I enigmatically responded that I sat on a broom with my luggage and flew to this Island of love. They believed it!. Ever since, I have hosted multitudes who want a piece of my talismans and charlatanry. I have been elevated to senior Sangomaship/Voodooist and nobody crosses my path awkwardly. Thanks to the diabolicaly crafted Nigerian movies. So very popular here.
In my next reincarnation, I have applied to be born in Suva.
And so on Friday evening, God created Fiji then rested the following day!
This article might have appeared on wanderlust under the same author's name.
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