Is this How HARD finding Love has Become?

mzeiya

mzeiya

Elder Lister
Sijui the writer but she has a funny way to tell a tale.
Copied
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Dating in Nairobi is an extreme sport. Extreme!
Me, I(Kenyanese) don’t know if you have tried. Wheeew!
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You are singular. Alone. You can decide to eat onions for dinner and then sleep. Decide to clean your house once a year and only at midnight, or just run around the house with a broom and without underwear and light candles along the corridor chanting the name of your best friend so they stop peeing loudly when they visit...freedom.

Then July August cold checks in and booooy, the lord says it’s not a good thing for humans to live alone! Eheee.

So you tell yourself, that thingy of you sleeping all day and hoping your human comes just won’t work. You can change your life. You can change your life. You can do it. You have all it takes to not be singular. You can be plural.

Tactic 1
You join all dating sites. You start swiping. The people in here, are on there and on their also. Haidhuru, all you want is mtu. Someone!
You start meeting people. Small small, you have met half of Nairobi, and the best you have done is meet, eat drink. They don’t want persons. Yaani, not anything seeeerious!

But you keep hoping for the best. After all it gets dark before it’s bright yooo? Now the next batch begins to act as if serious-ish. Date one to three, gain your litu trust, call you, go out, try to create a connection between you. Before you know it, you have sampled half of Nairobi genitalia and blocked all the damn half because they are dustbins (that other word you are used to) and they won’t see a single avocado in heaven.

You go beckkk home counting your kusununu or is it kisununu-STI’s or scratching your fachaina away because yeast infection or your HIV.

Tactic 2
You decide that those peeps you meet from online are hoes. Damn hoes those ones.

You decide to start attending events. You are the events attendee of the year. Koroga, mkorogo, Concours d’elegance- you are the elegant one, nurtured knotts, something something night at carnivore, you name it!

Alas, while there, you meet all those hoes you had met on that other ho- platform you didn’t like. Yaani peeps just can’t be blocked on an app and they disappear totally-physically, emotionally....

Like you, they believe these events have better or more realistic humans. You turn left, bump-Kevo. Right, bump-Caro, another left, bump-Stella, right, Joe. You make a 360, uuuuiiiii Josh, Brayo, Timo, Jeff, Alvo, June, Diana, Maria, Christine.....uuuuiiii!

Tactic 3
Aaah you decide, you are gonna upgrade. You will go to high-end hotels and go to their bars and have a polite drink (is there a loud drink?) There is where cultured peeps go to and chances of you getting a sane human are high.

Katerina, you spend all your salary drinking expensive beer that your local sells at quarter the price! You eat nyama like fwakin, you start polite smoking and playing polite pool and before you know it, you don’t have rent or money for food because it’s kwinished, because you thought your buttocks are as big as the elephants! Usishindane na ndovu kunya!

All you get out of here is a new addiction, dented pockets and bana your thing has been done! It has been chewed! Eaten like a mango seed, wrung fyiuuuu! If shrinkage could happen for every use....

Tactic 4
So maybe your person is actually in those golf courses because these Vasha crew doesn’t seem to get it.

But the memberships! Woi mama! So you ask yourself who you are to yourself. You say you are you. Who you work for? Yourself. For who are you in a chama? Yourself .How many lives you got? Only one.

You wake up, ask your chama for money and pay that maaa fwakin membership and you start going in for something you don’t want, don’t like and nobody cares about you, hohoho, they don’t even feel the presence of your 58” human hair.

You resort to taking Instagram pics and your new found career dies a slooow one.

Tactic 5
Church is good. All sane people go there. Your rib is somewhere there. And the word says, seek you and you shall find. After the services you remain behind to talk to the blessed and highly favored.

You meet your hoes in here. All of them. Modestly dressed, seeking the kingdom.

What’s with these hoes? They are everywhere...just like you!

It’s never that serious. Mtaona mkono wa bwana mbele mbele.

You go beckkk home, count your losses, look for your duvet, have a glass of wine and you silently sleep. It is kwinished.

This town, you are not even yours! Aaah
 
mzeiya said:
Sijui the writer but she has a funny way to tell a tale.
Copied
____________
Dating in Nairobi is an extreme sport. Extreme!
Me, I(Kenyanese) don’t know if you have tried. Wheeew!
View attachment 21018
You are singular. Alone. You can decide to eat onions for dinner and then sleep. Decide to clean your house once a year and only at midnight, or just run around the house with a broom and without underwear and light candles along the corridor chanting the name of your best friend so they stop peeing loudly when they visit...freedom.

Then July August cold checks in and booooy, the lord says it’s not a good thing for humans to live alone! Eheee.

So you tell yourself, that thingy of you sleeping all day and hoping your human comes just won’t work. You can change your life. You can change your life. You can do it. You have all it takes to not be singular. You can be plural.

Tactic 1
You join all dating sites. You start swiping. The people in here, are on there and on their also. Haidhuru, all you want is mtu. Someone!
You start meeting people. Small small, you have met half of Nairobi, and the best you have done is meet, eat drink. They don’t want persons. Yaani, not anything seeeerious!

But you keep hoping for the best. After all it gets dark before it’s bright yooo? Now the next batch begins to act as if serious-ish. Date one to three, gain your litu trust, call you, go out, try to create a connection between you. Before you know it, you have sampled half of Nairobi genitalia and blocked all the damn half because they are dustbins (that other word you are used to) and they won’t see a single avocado in heaven.

You go beckkk home counting your kusununu or is it kisununu-STI’s or scratching your fachaina away because yeast infection or your HIV.

Tactic 2
You decide that those peeps you meet from online are hoes. Damn hoes those ones.

You decide to start attending events. You are the events attendee of the year. Koroga, mkorogo, Concours d’elegance- you are the elegant one, nurtured knotts, something something night at carnivore, you name it!

Alas, while there, you meet all those hoes you had met on that other ho- platform you didn’t like. Yaani peeps just can’t be blocked on an app and they disappear totally-physically, emotionally....

Like you, they believe these events have better or more realistic humans. You turn left, bump-Kevo. Right, bump-Caro, another left, bump-Stella, right, Joe. You make a 360, uuuuiiiii Josh, Brayo, Timo, Jeff, Alvo, June, Diana, Maria, Christine.....uuuuiiii!

Tactic 3
Aaah you decide, you are gonna upgrade. You will go to high-end hotels and go to their bars and have a polite drink (is there a loud drink?) There is where cultured peeps go to and chances of you getting a sane human are high.

Katerina, you spend all your salary drinking expensive beer that your local sells at quarter the price! You eat nyama like fwakin, you start polite smoking and playing polite pool and before you know it, you don’t have rent or money for food because it’s kwinished, because you thought your buttocks are as big as the elephants! Usishindane na ndovu kunya!

All you get out of here is a new addiction, dented pockets and bana your thing has been done! It has been chewed! Eaten like a mango seed, wrung fyiuuuu! If shrinkage could happen for every use....

Tactic 4
So maybe your person is actually in those golf courses because these Vasha crew doesn’t seem to get it.

But the memberships! Woi mama! So you ask yourself who you are to yourself. You say you are you. Who you work for? Yourself. For who are you in a chama? Yourself .How many lives you got? Only one.

You wake up, ask your chama for money and pay that maaa fwakin membership and you start going in for something you don’t want, don’t like and nobody cares about you, hohoho, they don’t even feel the presence of your 58” human hair.

You resort to taking Instagram pics and your new found career dies a slooow one.

Tactic 5
Church is good. All sane people go there. Your rib is somewhere there. And the word says, seek you and you shall find. After the services you remain behind to talk to the blessed and highly favored.

You meet your hoes in here. All of them. Modestly dressed, seeking the kingdom.

What’s with these hoes? They are everywhere...just like you!

It’s never that serious. Mtaona mkono wa bwana mbele mbele.

You go beckkk home, count your losses, look for your duvet, have a glass of wine and you silently sleep. It is kwinished.

This town, you are not even yours! Aaah
Click to expand...
Very funny!
 
People in Nairobi dont date with commitment in mind. Its more about the current benefit being enjoyed from that individual, who may be one or several(they might never even find out wako wengi). Once its no longer needed,there dies the relationship. Bidding of all kinds pia huwa order of the Day while choosing which one to date. Options huwa mingi. All in all,there is no sole to it.
 
Itabidii kimbele mbele na ujauaji mkubali ya wazazi kama, zamani.
You live your entire young years ujauaji( not your fault, but by default if influence and society) when your mind matures in your late 20s or in your 30s, it's almost too late.

In life humble pie is a must, aggression mingi ya vijana, utakufa peke yako, lonely like a stray dog.
The earlier you learn this, the better...
 
Afro said:
People in Nairobi dont date with commitment in mind. Its more about the current benefit being enjoyed from that individual, who may be one or several(they might never even find out wako wengi). Once its no longer needed,there dies the relationship. Bidding of all kinds pia huwa order of the Day while choosing which one to date. Options huwa mingi. All in all,there is no sole to it.
Click to expand...
Very true
 
Anglututu said:
Itabidii kimbele mbele na ujauaji mkubali ya wazazi kama, zamani.
You live your entire young years ujauaji( not your fault, but by default if influence and society) when your mind matures in your late 20s or in your 30s, it's almost too late.

In life humble pie is a must, aggression mingi ya vijana, utakufa peke yako, lonely like a stray dog.
The earlier you learn this, the better...
Click to expand...
A lot of hard truths shared here.

As I progress in my 30s, I try to advise my 20-year-old cousins, nephews, and nieces but already wanaona mimi ni mzee mwenye sielewi hii maisha.

Can't blame them fully coz I was there before scorning the advice of my seniors.

Ultimately, there is no greater teacher than life itself and its experience because wisdom is the rectifying of the failures of those who precede us but rarely do the younglings grasp it...au sio, @Field Marshal?
 
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