mzeiya
Elder Lister
...This is your Captain speaking.
On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Kenyan List flight 001 to Happy Land with continuing service to Madness Land. We should touch down in KL at 5:23 local time, depending on this headwind. And assuming I decide to go there.
Folks, we’ve just hit our cruising altitude of 100 New Villagers. I’ve turned on the prefix for each thread, which means you are now free to cleanse our eyes in all manner of creative ways. So, to maintain decorum in the village, please use and in case we encounter any unexpected turbulence, just know monkeys are being choked all over the plane.
Though I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, please note the “no smoking” light will remain on throughout the flight, in compliance with FAA regulations. You may not smoke in the lavatories and federal law prohibits tampering with the smoke detector. Feel free to pack a chew or eat loudly, though. Those aren’t federal crimes. Not yet! And neither is feeding on weed laced cookies.
Flight attendants, two dirty martinis to the cockpit, please.
So, did you hear the one about the airline passenger who was so stupid, the other airline passengers noticed? Folks, I kid and Digid (lol, digi) him out through the emergency exit.
To clear up the questions on everybody’s mind: All the female flight attendants have husbands, though the brunette married for money and really needs to get some. Actually, the redhead’s single, but I got dibs. Both the male flight attendants are gay and that's a plus for me in terms of female acquaintance mazematics.
Another thing, flight attendants, please don’t stress the articles and prepositions when you deliver the in-flight instructions. For example, don’t say, “Please DO raise your tray tables TO the upright AND locked position.” Instead, say, “Please do RAISE your tray tables to the UPRIGHT and LOCKED position.” For some reason you all think emphasizing the less important words, like helping verbs and whatnot, makes you sound professional. It just cheapens the in-flight instructions. No offense.
Also, I get way bored up here. Really, you have no idea. So, to keep my skills sharp, I sometimes pretend there’s flak exploding all around the plane. In addition to evasive maneuvers, I might scream orders over the cabin P.A. and occasionally even pray to God to just spare the lives of my crew with families. As I said, it keeps my skills sharp. You should thank me, honestly.
Don’t worry, though, those commie sons of bitches won’t take me alive. Not while there’s breath in my lungs and strength in my flesh. Again, kidding! Somebody stop me!
If I or one of the other members of your flight crew walks the length of the plane without pants, please remain calm and seated. That’s just a little game we play.
On behalf of your cockpit and cabin crews, please, sit back and enjoy your trip.
And for any Al Shabaab members in this flight, please be warned that we now keep pistols in the cockpit.
PS - NIMELAND
On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Kenyan List flight 001 to Happy Land with continuing service to Madness Land. We should touch down in KL at 5:23 local time, depending on this headwind. And assuming I decide to go there.
Folks, we’ve just hit our cruising altitude of 100 New Villagers. I’ve turned on the prefix for each thread, which means you are now free to cleanse our eyes in all manner of creative ways. So, to maintain decorum in the village, please use and in case we encounter any unexpected turbulence, just know monkeys are being choked all over the plane.
Though I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, please note the “no smoking” light will remain on throughout the flight, in compliance with FAA regulations. You may not smoke in the lavatories and federal law prohibits tampering with the smoke detector. Feel free to pack a chew or eat loudly, though. Those aren’t federal crimes. Not yet! And neither is feeding on weed laced cookies.
Flight attendants, two dirty martinis to the cockpit, please.
So, did you hear the one about the airline passenger who was so stupid, the other airline passengers noticed? Folks, I kid and Digid (lol, digi) him out through the emergency exit.
To clear up the questions on everybody’s mind: All the female flight attendants have husbands, though the brunette married for money and really needs to get some. Actually, the redhead’s single, but I got dibs. Both the male flight attendants are gay and that's a plus for me in terms of female acquaintance mazematics.
Another thing, flight attendants, please don’t stress the articles and prepositions when you deliver the in-flight instructions. For example, don’t say, “Please DO raise your tray tables TO the upright AND locked position.” Instead, say, “Please do RAISE your tray tables to the UPRIGHT and LOCKED position.” For some reason you all think emphasizing the less important words, like helping verbs and whatnot, makes you sound professional. It just cheapens the in-flight instructions. No offense.
Also, I get way bored up here. Really, you have no idea. So, to keep my skills sharp, I sometimes pretend there’s flak exploding all around the plane. In addition to evasive maneuvers, I might scream orders over the cabin P.A. and occasionally even pray to God to just spare the lives of my crew with families. As I said, it keeps my skills sharp. You should thank me, honestly.
Don’t worry, though, those commie sons of bitches won’t take me alive. Not while there’s breath in my lungs and strength in my flesh. Again, kidding! Somebody stop me!
If I or one of the other members of your flight crew walks the length of the plane without pants, please remain calm and seated. That’s just a little game we play.
On behalf of your cockpit and cabin crews, please, sit back and enjoy your trip.
And for any Al Shabaab members in this flight, please be warned that we now keep pistols in the cockpit.
PS - NIMELAND
