Its really hard to start from the bottom New Lister, MF. Kabla nipewe kiti na wajuaji. Imebidi nimebadilisha jina for security reasons. I had got tired of the mediocrity of hekayas in KT.
So its a Lazy Sunday, I want to just laze around get busy on my phone hadi kunguru nimefuga iingiwe na wivu. I ain't doing nothing, nimeficha simu mara kadhaa and she is getting non of it.
So we are watching this Movie 'The Burn' and an instance that happened close to 17years ago when you MF were still wanking in the dormitories, I had completed High School and was quite a catch to the village kienyejis. That time completing high school was such a big deal kwanza if you attended this 'big' High Schools. Every Jane Mary and Betty wanted a taste of you.
My mornings usually entailed taking care of the garden, we had fruits of all kinds, yeah, I know its called an orchard, but using that term sounds european. Now, one thing about High School is that Avocadoes were very much worshipped, and there were lots of them at home so you can imagine the amount of devouring I had. I used to eat Avocadoes like nobody's business. Morning with duvya, at lunch with githeri, supper time with ugali, at night, I mean I used to eat those green one-seeded-fruits like my life depended on them.
in the evenings I used to go hunting. At least that is what we called it that time. The village beauties, yellow yellows or the dark skinned ones we did not choose. I had a fettish for the plump ones. The kind of plump a girl gets while in high school eating githeri and weavles. So this one gal her name was Stella really liked me and she was very generous with her womanly love. We used to have good times during the day whenever she had time, going to the market or kishagi or even when she went to wash clothes at the river. She had to wash them during the weekdays when very few people are around so that we can have a good time by the river. If you know what I mean.
It reached a point our appetite grew to unquenchable thirst that we had to find more time. So she came up with an idea I go for her at night take her to my cube, the ones laced with newspapers on the wall and success cards hanging from the roof, yeah, that one, and then take her back to her home at 4am after spending at my house reading the bible.
This went on for a very long time without any negative incident and for real, It actually became a routine, I really enjoyed it.
The avocado season came and my hobby of eating avocadoes was getting out of control and my stomach started complaining. Giving me signals that it was enough. I did not listen. It started by grumbling uncontrollably, I never listened, farts came and went and it's then I slowed down. I knew from the toxic farts I would start diarrhoearing.
After a while, a week or so, I started eating the damn avocadoes again this time I faced the music. I was farting those toxic ones that smelt similarly to a gas in chemistry I cant recall the name. My friend they were bad. They left a burning sensational in my a-howl, it was so bad I couldn't sit properly cos of the burn.
That night I had a date with my lovely Stella and as usual, after throwing one two many pebbles on her kitchen roof I had to wait. Now there were two problems, one my farts, two she was getting late. For the farts I had a solution, I had to run some fifty metres and relieve myself and come back and continued with my wait. The second problem, I had no control over it, but saw it as a blessing in disguise. Who could sleep with me with the kind of farts I emitted? I wouldn't. So I got comfortable and blew them there and then. Now this particular night was a funny one. There was no wind to blow my shame away. So layers and layers of ammonia(yes I remembered the gas) engulfed me and surprisingly I couldn't smell it.
As I was about to lose hope I saw Stella coming down to the gate. She had put on her father's gumboots or something. You know that sound that comes after putting on huge gumboots. I forgot to tell you that it had rained mercilessly during the day.
As she was coming down, I was busy trying to waft away the bad smell around me and I wasn't successful. I had to be creative. So as she was insisting in hugging me, I mumbled something like there's a dead dog somewhere near.
Lets just say the night was long, we had a good time, I don't have that figurative imagery ya akina Meria Mata so I won't go into details.
In the morning as I was taking her back home, that day she was to go early so as to wash her dad's gumboots and dry them up before the owner woke up. I know she was fed up with the missiles but what could I do? It was nature.
As we approached the gate, after the brief hug, she whispered into my ears "There is no dead dog around here, until you deworm is when I will part my legs for you". Now that got me, Remember she said it in mother tongue. You can imagine how I felt. The journey back was very long not forgetting my burn in my back area.
So its a Lazy Sunday, I want to just laze around get busy on my phone hadi kunguru nimefuga iingiwe na wivu. I ain't doing nothing, nimeficha simu mara kadhaa and she is getting non of it.
So we are watching this Movie 'The Burn' and an instance that happened close to 17years ago when you MF were still wanking in the dormitories, I had completed High School and was quite a catch to the village kienyejis. That time completing high school was such a big deal kwanza if you attended this 'big' High Schools. Every Jane Mary and Betty wanted a taste of you.
My mornings usually entailed taking care of the garden, we had fruits of all kinds, yeah, I know its called an orchard, but using that term sounds european. Now, one thing about High School is that Avocadoes were very much worshipped, and there were lots of them at home so you can imagine the amount of devouring I had. I used to eat Avocadoes like nobody's business. Morning with duvya, at lunch with githeri, supper time with ugali, at night, I mean I used to eat those green one-seeded-fruits like my life depended on them.
in the evenings I used to go hunting. At least that is what we called it that time. The village beauties, yellow yellows or the dark skinned ones we did not choose. I had a fettish for the plump ones. The kind of plump a girl gets while in high school eating githeri and weavles. So this one gal her name was Stella really liked me and she was very generous with her womanly love. We used to have good times during the day whenever she had time, going to the market or kishagi or even when she went to wash clothes at the river. She had to wash them during the weekdays when very few people are around so that we can have a good time by the river. If you know what I mean.
It reached a point our appetite grew to unquenchable thirst that we had to find more time. So she came up with an idea I go for her at night take her to my cube, the ones laced with newspapers on the wall and success cards hanging from the roof, yeah, that one, and then take her back to her home at 4am after spending at my house reading the bible.
This went on for a very long time without any negative incident and for real, It actually became a routine, I really enjoyed it.
The avocado season came and my hobby of eating avocadoes was getting out of control and my stomach started complaining. Giving me signals that it was enough. I did not listen. It started by grumbling uncontrollably, I never listened, farts came and went and it's then I slowed down. I knew from the toxic farts I would start diarrhoearing.
After a while, a week or so, I started eating the damn avocadoes again this time I faced the music. I was farting those toxic ones that smelt similarly to a gas in chemistry I cant recall the name. My friend they were bad. They left a burning sensational in my a-howl, it was so bad I couldn't sit properly cos of the burn.
That night I had a date with my lovely Stella and as usual, after throwing one two many pebbles on her kitchen roof I had to wait. Now there were two problems, one my farts, two she was getting late. For the farts I had a solution, I had to run some fifty metres and relieve myself and come back and continued with my wait. The second problem, I had no control over it, but saw it as a blessing in disguise. Who could sleep with me with the kind of farts I emitted? I wouldn't. So I got comfortable and blew them there and then. Now this particular night was a funny one. There was no wind to blow my shame away. So layers and layers of ammonia(yes I remembered the gas) engulfed me and surprisingly I couldn't smell it.
As I was about to lose hope I saw Stella coming down to the gate. She had put on her father's gumboots or something. You know that sound that comes after putting on huge gumboots. I forgot to tell you that it had rained mercilessly during the day.
As she was coming down, I was busy trying to waft away the bad smell around me and I wasn't successful. I had to be creative. So as she was insisting in hugging me, I mumbled something like there's a dead dog somewhere near.
Lets just say the night was long, we had a good time, I don't have that figurative imagery ya akina Meria Mata so I won't go into details.
In the morning as I was taking her back home, that day she was to go early so as to wash her dad's gumboots and dry them up before the owner woke up. I know she was fed up with the missiles but what could I do? It was nature.
As we approached the gate, after the brief hug, she whispered into my ears "There is no dead dog around here, until you deworm is when I will part my legs for you". Now that got me, Remember she said it in mother tongue. You can imagine how I felt. The journey back was very long not forgetting my burn in my back area.
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