Kamnjoro
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"If you would like to receive Jesus Christ as your personal savior, come forward. Take that step. Do not fear. Come forward brother. In Christ, there is everlasting rest. Come to me all yee who areweary, and I will give you rest. Thank you brother for making the decision. Come forward and experience the healing power of Jesus." That was the voice of Ghanaian Apostle George Tumwasi beamed through 10000W mega speakers at the Glorious Worship Church in Ruai. His eyes were on me.
That Sunday morning in 2018, I had woken up with a terrible hangover after imbibing countless Jug Daniels the previous night. I hadn't taken a bitch to my mabati house because one, I was still suffering from that infection, and two, I was determined to start a new chapter in life. The hangover demanded removal of lock, and 7am had found me at the door of the keg den. The lazy bitch didn't come till past 9am. It was after 11am when I left the den. Properly boozed. I staggered home and went back to sleep. At 2pm, I decided to go look for something to cook. Then I spotted the big crowd at the church and heard the speakers. I saw some smoke, did a few calculations, and decided that there was no need for me to go cook when there was cooking happening in the church. So I joined the crowd, and a beautiful lady ushered me to a seat right in the middle of the crowd. I slept with one eye open waiting for the moment when they shall start serving lunch. I was jolted from my sleep by the speaker making the alter call. He was looking right into my eyes. I tried looking elsewhere but he focussed on me.
I would like to tell you a little secret before I proceed. When a pastor invites a foreign pastor, the expenses must be justified and make business sense. So, a pastor will spend 200k bringing in another pastor from abroad, and give a target in1)collections and 2) increase in membership. If the collections over the revival period are 1m, then the host pastor will remove the expenses and share the difference with the guest pastor. The host pastor has an upper hand since he is also the accounting pastor. As such, it is in the interest of the guest pastor to have as many people getting saved as possible. This forces them to use some unconventional tactics, like what was happening now.
Then there is a group of strong men, bouncers literally, whose work is to fetch the unlucky victims of the pastor's gaze to the podium where salvation is forcefully administered to the unwilling victim. This time, I was the unlucky asshole and before I could say no, I was already at the podium being delivered from some invisible spirits. If you have been there, you know the helplessness and confusion that surrounds you. Add a terrible hangover to the mix,and you will see the torture I was going through. Then the interrogation started.
Apostle: What's your name?
Me: Njoroge.
Apostle: God has shown me that you are suffering from some sickness. Can you tell me what it is,because God wants to heal you?
Njoroge: ......
Apostle: I command you to speak. Devil, leave this man. You have no power over him. Leave him alone.
Then came the touch. It was more of a slap on the forehead. Then a sweep from behind by one of those sons of a bitch who had brought me here in the fast place. I was down, the pastor pressing his knee on my neck. If you watch the local comedy on SasaTV, you know what am talking about. When in such a situation, the best thing is to play ball. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got saved on 15rd Nov 2018. And I missed lunch coz the new converts, me and 100 others, were herded like goats into the church for further processing. I must mention that I confessed that I had some STD and was "delivered" by one of the junior pastors. I became member number XXX and received a membership card. I was also "requested" to come to church the next day for fellowship of new converts. I pit quotes because the request wasn't without its fair share of threats about a x7 dosage of demons if I didn't adhere. I must also add that the urination process was still painful one week later.
So, I went to church the following day. And Emily, with a big smile, ushered me into the church and served me with some silly cup of cheap coffee. The time was 9am.
Part 2 coming shortly.
That Sunday morning in 2018, I had woken up with a terrible hangover after imbibing countless Jug Daniels the previous night. I hadn't taken a bitch to my mabati house because one, I was still suffering from that infection, and two, I was determined to start a new chapter in life. The hangover demanded removal of lock, and 7am had found me at the door of the keg den. The lazy bitch didn't come till past 9am. It was after 11am when I left the den. Properly boozed. I staggered home and went back to sleep. At 2pm, I decided to go look for something to cook. Then I spotted the big crowd at the church and heard the speakers. I saw some smoke, did a few calculations, and decided that there was no need for me to go cook when there was cooking happening in the church. So I joined the crowd, and a beautiful lady ushered me to a seat right in the middle of the crowd. I slept with one eye open waiting for the moment when they shall start serving lunch. I was jolted from my sleep by the speaker making the alter call. He was looking right into my eyes. I tried looking elsewhere but he focussed on me.
I would like to tell you a little secret before I proceed. When a pastor invites a foreign pastor, the expenses must be justified and make business sense. So, a pastor will spend 200k bringing in another pastor from abroad, and give a target in1)collections and 2) increase in membership. If the collections over the revival period are 1m, then the host pastor will remove the expenses and share the difference with the guest pastor. The host pastor has an upper hand since he is also the accounting pastor. As such, it is in the interest of the guest pastor to have as many people getting saved as possible. This forces them to use some unconventional tactics, like what was happening now.
Then there is a group of strong men, bouncers literally, whose work is to fetch the unlucky victims of the pastor's gaze to the podium where salvation is forcefully administered to the unwilling victim. This time, I was the unlucky asshole and before I could say no, I was already at the podium being delivered from some invisible spirits. If you have been there, you know the helplessness and confusion that surrounds you. Add a terrible hangover to the mix,and you will see the torture I was going through. Then the interrogation started.
Apostle: What's your name?
Me: Njoroge.
Apostle: God has shown me that you are suffering from some sickness. Can you tell me what it is,because God wants to heal you?
Njoroge: ......
Apostle: I command you to speak. Devil, leave this man. You have no power over him. Leave him alone.
Then came the touch. It was more of a slap on the forehead. Then a sweep from behind by one of those sons of a bitch who had brought me here in the fast place. I was down, the pastor pressing his knee on my neck. If you watch the local comedy on SasaTV, you know what am talking about. When in such a situation, the best thing is to play ball. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got saved on 15rd Nov 2018. And I missed lunch coz the new converts, me and 100 others, were herded like goats into the church for further processing. I must mention that I confessed that I had some STD and was "delivered" by one of the junior pastors. I became member number XXX and received a membership card. I was also "requested" to come to church the next day for fellowship of new converts. I pit quotes because the request wasn't without its fair share of threats about a x7 dosage of demons if I didn't adhere. I must also add that the urination process was still painful one week later.
So, I went to church the following day. And Emily, with a big smile, ushered me into the church and served me with some silly cup of cheap coffee. The time was 9am.
Part 2 coming shortly.
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