This is Guka - A Cantankerous Old Fart, a Mongrel and Kula Fare Culture....

Whenever I am at my expansive multi- million shilling hacienda in Ndeiya at night, this mongrel comes from the dark to keep me company.

Sometimes I am just alone there staring at the moon and scratching my balls, or just ferking somebody's daughter for her supper. The mongrel just sits there either way.

So me and the mongrel have developed an understanding. It guards me and I supply it with some bits and pieces to eat, mostly bones from my choma and mboiro escapades.

Last night, my relationship with the mongrel broke down dramatically.

For the last few days it had not come to visit. It's bones were accumulating in the outhouse where I keep them. So yesterday when it finally came, the mongrel had quite a feast - a buffet of chicken legs, pig hooves and all manner of beef shit.

The mongrel became super- excited. Then it happened.

When I bent to throw some more bones to it, it growled and bit my hand! What the ferk! A hard enough bite to give me a nasty bruise!

Damn! What is this now, I asked myself. Nakuwekea nyama siku tatu and you thank me by biting me? Do you think I am such a beta bitch? Unafikiria mimi ni kama wale wanaume hukuliwa fare wanakunja mkia?

I got increasingly angry as the stupid mongrel continued to growl and devour it's feast.

Kidogo nikarudi kwa gari nikachukua bakora ya Guka. I approached the mongrel, lifted the bakora as high as I could and gave the stupid mathafaka the greatest thwack I could on the head. Kumanina zako!

The mongrel gave up a surprised yelp and collapsed dead on its bones. Nikaanza kuiongelesha.

"Unaniuma? UNANIUMA mimi? Mimi ni nyanyako nugu hii? Unaniuma? UNANIUMA?"

Somewhere the god of dogs must have been awake. The darn thing kumbe wasn't dead. Suddenly it woke up and yelping like a true bonobo, took off at the speed of a cheetah with falling trousers.

Today I am sure there's a dog in Ndeiya nursing a mighty headache wondering kwani iliangukiwa na jua?

Kuniuma when I am feeding it ni kama nugu ya mwanamke kukula fare. Too many ungrateful freeloaders in this country that need disciplining. Guka ain't gonna tolerate it.

Ukiniuma nakuuma, senji!

Muzee, go get a rabies shot.
We don't want to be hearing, "niweke?" In our dreams.

Field Marshal said:

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Whenever I am at my expansive multi- million shilling hacienda in Ndeiya at night, this mongrel comes from the dark to keep me company.

Sometimes I am just alone there staring at the moon and scratching my balls, or just ferking somebody's daughter for her supper. The mongrel just sits there either way.

So me and the mongrel have developed an understanding. It guards me and I supply it with some bits and pieces to eat, mostly bones from my choma and mboiro escapades.

Last night, my relationship with the mongrel broke down dramatically.

For the last few days it had not come to visit. It's bones were accumulating in the outhouse where I keep them. So yesterday when the mongrel came, it was quite a feast - a buffet of chicken legs, pig hooves and all manner of beef shit.

The mongrel became super- excited. Then it happened.

When I bent to throw some more bones to it, it growled and bit my hand! A hard enough bite to give me a nasty bruise!

Damn! What is this now, I asked myself. Nakuwekea nyama siku tatu and you thank me by biting me? Do you think I am such a beta? Unafikiria mimi ni kama wale wanaume hukuliwa fare wanakunja mkia?

I got increasingly angry as the stupid mongrel continued to growl and devour it's feast.

Kidogo nikarudi kwa gari nikachukua bakora ya Guka. I approached the mongrel, lifted the bakora as high as I could and gave the stupid mathafaka the greatest thwack I could on the head. Kumanina zako!

The mongrel gave up a surprised yelp and collapsed dead on its bones. Nikaanza kuiongelesha.

"Unaniuma? UNANIUMA mimi? Mimi ni nyanyako nugu hii? Unaniuma?"

Somewhere the god of dogs must have been awake. The darn thing kumbe wasn't dead. Suddenly it woke up and yelping like a true bonobo, took off at the speed of a cheetah with falling trousers.

Today I am sure there's a dog in Ndeiya nursing a mighty headache wondering kwani iliangukiwa na jua?

Kuniuma when I am feeding it ni kama nugu ya mwanamke kukula fare. Too many freeloaders in this country that need disciplining. Guka ain't gonna tolerate it.

Ukiniuma nakuuma, senji!

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That's hilarious

But get rabbies shot as Jipakash says.

bigDog said:

That's hilarious

But get rabbies shot as Jipakash says.

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Naaah, darn thing just gave me a bruise. And we come from an age where we died like men, siyo kila saa kukimbia hospitali kama wanawake....

Ancient man, I know what you wanted to do to the dog after enticing it with bone scraps. Dirty old fart

Wegrow said:

Ancient man, I know what you wanted to do to the dog after enticing it with bone scraps. Dirty old fart

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Ha ha ha ha! I was wondering when a two-neuroned POS would emerge from the woodwork with just this kind of thought...of course you can't see the setup....

Field Marshal said:

Naaah, darn thing just gave me a bruise. And we come from an age where we died like men, siyo kila saa kukimbia hospitali kama wanawake....

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Man said

I thought dogs are the most faithful creatures unlike cats

Aviator said:

I thought dogs are the most faithful creatures unlike cats

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Ndiyo nilishtuka. That mongrel must have classified me as a Tier One beta bitch. Lazima heshima idumu Sasa..

Hii ni ile story ya mama wa hardware imegeuzwa mongrel? Bakora ya mzee! we can read between the lines my friend

Field Marshal said:

Naaah, darn thing just gave me a bruise. And we come from an age where we died like men, siyo kila saa kukimbia hospitali kama wanawake....

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The bruise might end up like this! Nenda kachanjwe

How I imagine fiud macho looks like.

kibinda nkoye1 said:

The bruise might end up like this! Nenda kachanjwe

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Man, I had to Gugu it and it's true. Godamn it! And at this stage the disease is incurable, ta imajini....

Get the shot!
We recently burried a villager who ignored getting the rabies shot. The dog bit him and his friend, his friend got the shot and is well but akasema yeye ni mwanaume.

Ramses said:

Get the shot!
We recently burried a villager who ignored getting the rabies shot. The dog bit him and his friend, his friend got the shot but akasema yeye ni mwanaume.

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I've just spent a few minutes researching on rabies and kusema ukweli, with all the stray mongrels in KE, we live by God's grace. Many of them need to be put down since the Dog Unit ni kama iliwacha kufanya patrols mitaani.
The only consolation is that not all dogs are infected.

Ramses said:

Get the shot!
We recently burried a villager who ignored getting the rabies shot. The dog bit him and his friend, his friend got the shot and is well but akasema yeye ni mwanaume.

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Guys, a rabid dog is very easy to tell. Am good.

That mongrel was just protecting it's bones, and the bite didn't even perforate the skin...

mzeiya said:

I've just spent a few minutes researching rabies and kusema ukweli, with all the stray mongrels in KE, we live by God's grace. Many of them need to be put down since the Dog Unit ni kama iliwacha kufanya patrols mitaani.

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Rabies is a mathafakingly scary disease. And once it gets to the brain it's kaput. I thought that guy barking was a scam but it isn't, ta imajini! And from that the only way is down. Shiet!

mzeiya said:

I've just spent a few minutes researching rabies and kusema ukweli, with all the stray mongrels in KE, we live by God's grace. Many of them need to be put down since the Dog Unit ni kama iliwacha kufanya patrols mitaani.

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Very true, siku hizi nikiona mbwa, navuka barabara. Coz no one knows which dog attacked them, and there are numerous dogs roaming the neighborhood.

Ramses said:

Very true, siku hizi nikiona mbwa, navuka barabara. Coz no one knows which dog attacked them, and there are numerous dogs roaming the neighborhood.

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Kitambo there used to be a public health unit that would go around putting down strays. Now, they are all over the ferking place. Kwanza I really fear for little kids....

mzeiya said:

I've just spent a few minutes researching on rabies and kusema ukweli, with all the stray mongrels in KE, we live by God's grace. Many of them need to be put down since the Dog Unit ni kama iliwacha kufanya patrols mitaani.
The only consolation is that not all dogs are infected.

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Actually very few are coz they die or are killed very fast when they start biting...