Field Marshal
Elder Lister
Whenever I am at my expansive multi- million shilling hacienda in Ndeiya at night, this mongrel comes from the dark to keep me company.
Sometimes I am just alone there staring at the moon and scratching my balls, or just ferking somebody's daughter for her supper. The mongrel just sits there either way.
So me and the mongrel have developed an understanding. It guards me and I supply it with some bits and pieces to eat, mostly bones from my choma and mboiro escapades.
Last night, my relationship with the mongrel broke down dramatically.
For the last few days it had not come to visit. It's bones were accumulating in the outhouse where I keep them. So yesterday when it finally came, the mongrel had quite a feast - a buffet of chicken legs, pig hooves and all manner of beef shit.
The mongrel became super- excited. Then it happened.
When I bent to throw some more bones to it, it growled and bit my hand! What the ferk! A hard enough bite to give me a nasty bruise!
Damn! What is this now, I asked myself. Nakuwekea nyama siku tatu and you thank me by biting me? Do you think I am such a beta bitch? Unafikiria mimi ni kama wale wanaume hukuliwa fare wanakunja mkia?
I got increasingly angry as the stupid mongrel continued to growl and devour it's feast.
Kidogo nikarudi kwa gari nikachukua bakora ya Guka. I approached the mongrel, lifted the bakora as high as I could and gave the stupid mathafaka the greatest thwack I could on the head. Kumanina zako!
The mongrel gave up a surprised yelp and collapsed dead on its bones. Nikaanza kuiongelesha.
"Unaniuma? UNANIUMA mimi? Mimi ni nyanyako nugu hii? Unaniuma? UNANIUMA?"
Somewhere the god of dogs must have been awake. The darn thing kumbe wasn't dead. Suddenly it woke up and yelping like a true bonobo, took off at the speed of a cheetah with falling trousers.
Today I am sure there's a dog in Ndeiya nursing a mighty headache wondering kwani iliangukiwa na jua?
Kuniuma when I am feeding it ni kama nugu ya mwanamke kukula fare. Too many ungrateful freeloaders in this country that need disciplining. Guka ain't gonna tolerate it.
Ukiniuma nakuuma, senji!
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